MAYA ANGELOU'S BEST POEM EVER

Maya Angelou, for Random House

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to
see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her
family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect..but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

SEND THIS TO 3 WOMEN....
You will have good luck for an entire day..

non-living objects are actually either male or female.

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes
a while to warm them up again.They are an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc
if you push the wrong ones.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old
lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the
weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly
changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be
male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be
lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to
push, he just keeps trying


quine

Hiking

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a
large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the
first man prayed, "God,, please give me the strength to cross the
river."
"Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give
me the strength and the tools to cross the river."
"Poof! God gave him a row boat and strong arms, strong legs and
he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing
once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross the river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

GO AHEAD! SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND ANY
MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Happy IVGLDSW Day!


Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in si deways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!
__________________________________________________
To the Girls !!


Inside every older person is a younger person---
wondering what the hell happened----
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
(Unknown)




I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.
I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-





My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first one being --
hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-



Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-



A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-



The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-



Every time I close the door on reality,
it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-





Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-




If you can't be a good example --
then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-





If high heels were so wonderful,
men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-




I'm not going to vacuum 'til
Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-



When women are depressed they either eat
or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-



Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-






Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-


Send this to five bright folks you know and make their day.

Subject: Fw: Fwd: FW: 98%


>
>> Incredible!
>>
>> At the end of this message, you are asked a question.
>>
>>Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.
>>
>>Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
>>
>>This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky (very spooky) at the same
>>time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and
>>you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as
>>you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the
>>2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the
>>"test".
>>
>>
>>Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.
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>>Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous
>>one..
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>>You do not even need to write or remember the answers, just do it using
>>your mind.
>>
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>>You'll be surprised.
>>
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>>Start:
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>>How much is:
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>>89 + 2
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>>If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
>>different, if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the folks would answer a red
>>hammer while doing this exercise. If you do not believe this, pass it
>>around and you'll see. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are
>>among the 98% or the 2% and send to everyone, including the person that
>>sent it to you.

Fridge Magnet

Subject: FW: How to explain the off-side rule to your girlfriend/wife

CLASSIC.....

The definitive off-side rule for girls




Ok girls it's dead simple:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop
assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which
you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them
with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had
no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other
shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper
and,*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper,
catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it
would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

Dear Girls - you have just learned the offside rule. It's that simple!

Subject: Phone

Flu Prevention

The Middle Wife (By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher)


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom
a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always
have
a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any
boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and
talk about it, they're welcomed to.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed
under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as
a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and
Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in
amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh,
oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this
kid
is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have
a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in
bed
like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!"
This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water
flowing
away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe..'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was
from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Now you have two choices... laugh and close this page or pass this along
to someone else to spread the laughs. Live every day as if it is your LAST
chance to make someone happy

Subject: So funny and so true...If you have been there you know how
true it is..

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and
doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And
you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the
main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean
on
the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you
hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective
enough.

Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just
perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one
breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back
the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn
over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger
into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the
bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger
to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

And just a thought for all you women out there:

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause. Ever notice
how all of women's problems start with men?

And when we have real problems, it's called a HISterectomy!

Send this to all the women you know, and brighten their day!...

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR
LIFE.
AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.

George Carlin's View on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited
about
aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and
a
half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey,
you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . You become
21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound
like
bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now,
you're
Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50

And your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT
lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the
90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and
height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.


3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person,
who
is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are
alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the
moments
that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares?

But do share this with someone.

We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

Have a wonderful day!!!!!!!